Sober
I hadn’t intended on writing about this subject for my first post. I was going to write about painting and process, but as my paintings and process are a reflection of me and my experiences I decided that becoming sober after 50 years and the impact it has made on my life recently, was worth a mention.
I grew up with alcohol. Everyone around me drank. My father was an alcoholic, and my mother drank everyday with an outward veneer of polite festivity. That was her word for drinking. Festive. Other people around me drank too, friends, also young and trying to deal with the hard edge of ‘struggle street’. The country, culture, environment and socioeconomic climate I grew up in was all geared towards drinking from an early age. I was often drunk by the time I was 13 and so were my siblings. We were encouraged to drink by our family members at social events even though we were well underage. I can remember how the adults treated me as if I was the subject of amusement if I was tipsy. I grew up believing drinking was the norm and anyone who didn’t drink was not one of our Tribe, not that I actually ever met anyone who didn’t drink.
I was a drinker all my life until very recently. Not full on like in my youth, but steady, sure and true. Wine was my friend. Wine was the one who would relax me, commiserate with me, ease the pain, numb the fear, and calm the nerves. For the last 30 years I have managed to drink responsibly. A glass or two a night. Every night. The ‘every night’ part was non-negotiable. A red wine every night is considered good for you if you’re a menopausal woman looking for data to support this addiction, which I was. But this blog is not about how alcohol created havoc in my life in my youth or a judgement rant on whether to drink or not. It is about the gradual awareness and unexpected changes that I am experiencing now that I have stopped drinking. Which was not that long ago (5 months) and possibly reckless of me to feel I can talk about it in these early days of sobriety especially considering the fact that I once stopped drinking for 2 and a half years (in my 50s because I was suffering from major health issues) until one Autumn sunny Sunday when I decided a bottle of Shiraz would be just the thing. My excuse was, I was bored and in that instant my mind convinced me why I am a loser and worrywart for not enjoying a beverage that has such a rich history steeped in culture and that I should start a wine journal and become a wind buff. No joke. I even went to the library and borrowed books on winemaking and understanding appellations.
With that in mind and still felt in my body, I want to talk about what being sober is currently offering me. The word that comes to mind is Clarity. Clarity in all aspects of my life. Especially my psyche where I struggle with, deny, hide, lie about parts of myself and ultimately the beliefs I hold that fuel these thoughts and feelings.
I am gradually beginning to see where I disown the feelings, self-sabotage through fear and abandon myself. This clarity goes beyond becoming aware of my insecurities and weakness encompassing an awareness of my entire energy field and its interconnection with everything. As a psychic I was already highly sensitive to energy and was using my drinking and other addictions, like Netflix or sleeping to regulate my overtaxed nervous system. Becoming sober has forced me to create stronger and more regular strategies in my daily life for self-regulation and grounding. I now have new daily routines that support my commitment to self-care.
I feel I have made a serious commitment to myself by giving up drinking alcohol and I hope I do not fall asleep again and decide drinking helps me somehow. It doesn’t. It never did.
The last 5 months have been challenging and confusing but ultimately freeing. Clarity is casting a whole new light on my creativity, my self-worth and how I want to relate to others in my world. What I seek and choose to focus on now feels less like a mirage and more like an unfolding map of potential and freedom.